Good Eats

So the little tax deduction is still eating non-stop, like she's Grandpa Beauregard on a cruise or something.

I've done a rough estimation, and I believe she is consuming over 16 ounces of combination breastmilk and formula everyday, which means that she is eating around 10% of her body weight per day. And if my figures are correct, I estimate that - if she keeps up this pace - she will weigh approximately 316 pounds by around June 9th.

(A computer composite estimating what Marilee will look like by summer.)

On the sleep front: no worries. I'm getting a good 50 to 55 minutes a sleep per night. In other words, twice as much as usual. The problem is, is that the Baby Production Unit and I both freak out at even the slightest sound. Last night, Marie was awoken at about 3 a.m. when she heard a lot of whining and crying. And that was just me.

So basically last night, we had the following: baby crying, dog licking himself, muffler-less motorcycle driving by our house, dad crying, baby wanting food, dog wanting water, dad wanting narcotics, baby needing changing, dog needing to pee. And that was all before 2 a.m. The only thing missing was the USC marching band storming through our house, but I've spoken with the band director, and he's assured me they'll be stopping by tonight.

("Hey everyone, let's go to the Beauregard home!")

And now, a feature we like to call:

SLEEP DEPRIVED PARENTAL QUOTE OF THE DAY:

The Scene: Baby is screaming in the other room with Marie.

ME: "Do you need any help?"

MARIE: "No, I’m going to eat her."

I think she meant, "I’m going to FEED her." But I kept a close eye on Marie, just in case.

More post-delivery photos with snarky comments:

Grandma Beauregard seeing her granddaughter for the very first time. The look on her face says it all: "Gosh Marie, that pant color went out of style 2 years ago."

Aunt Kathy holds her niece while cousin Livia tells Uncle Steve: "When you take the picture, you'll want to make sure the F-speed is higher so as to account for the diminished lighting output typical of the florescent bulbs found in hospital rooms such as this."

Older Brother Elvis: "Baby? Who gives a s%@#*? Give me some food."


Baby's first luxurious spa appointment. This session included all of the usual treatments one would expect to be performed at a high end spa - such as a pedicure, manicure, facial, and the removal of amniotic fluid out of the hair.

More Boring Photos

Day 24: Marie is back to work for the start of our week-long bi-annual $49 sale at (WARNING: shamless plug forthcoming):

http://www.missmarieshoe.com/


So here are more photos of delivery day. If you think these are boring, don't worry, I've got ones that are even MORE boring coming soon.

















Uncle Pat looks to have a firm grip on baby, until suddenly.....

















....he carelessly throws Marilee into the arms of Aunt Ali, who fortunately knows how to catch an infant being tossed underhand at 32 m.p.h. Meanwhile....




















.....Daddy wears the brand new rugby shirt that mommy bought for him a week ago. Since Daddy is new at this, he never even thought about placing a burp cloth on his shoulder.

A few minutes later, Marilee decides that this looks like a good as place as any to spit up loads of breast milk.

Daddy is a dipshit.

Rewind

I wanted to go back and post a few photos showing you how we got to this point in the first place. No, not THAT kind of photo you pervert, I'm talking about labor and delivery photos, (without the blood and guts and stuff.) I've also made sure not to include any photos showing nudity. Especially the ones where I'm nude.





A pre-Marilee photo of the child production unit at St. Mary's. (Slacking around, as usual.)



The St. Mary's Hospital version of MTV "Cribs."


Here, the the child production unit relaxes in her personal jacuzzi while enjoying some Cristal champagne. Or, it could have been ice water. I forget.

Momma Loose reading her favorite book: "How to Kill Your Son-In-Law and Get Away With It."

The child production unit is greeted with a suprise visit from Brad Pitt.

About 3:06 p.m., January 16th.

"And in this corner, weighing in at 8 pounds 3 ounces, with a record of 0 wins, 0 loses, and no knockouts - unless you count Marie in labor - the challenger...from Marie's uterus, Marilee Alexandra Boooooooregard."

It's on the Hush, Hush

I’ll share with you the secret to getting a baby to sleep. First, have her yell and scream and make various noises until 4:15 a.m. (Make sure she pees on your bed sheets too.)

Next, take her out on the couch, lie her on your chest and watch the 1997 classic film, "L.A. Confidential." (Hence the "Hush, Hush" reference.)

This is the technique that worked for me last night. Marilee seemed to obtain a peacefulness during the entire film, and slept all the way until around 7 am. She must have been calmed by the intriguing plotlines of screenwriter Curtis Hanson’s multi-layered screenplay. Then again, maybe she was just tired.

And why not? Last night was big for her. It was the first time me and the child production unit, (Marie), were away from the baby for any period of time. We ate at Famous’ Dave’s barbeque while trying to think of non-baby stuff to talk about. However, it turns out that in the end, rockets and mortars and Hamas are just not as fun to talk about as the various liquids coming out of our baby.

Grandma and Grandpa Beauregard watched her while we ate, lest you assume we left baby out in the car. We would never, ever do that. Her spit-ups could stain the Audi’s plush interior.

ANNOYING BABY NICKNAME OF THE DAY: Because she has this acne all around her eyes and nose, we’ve temporarily dubbed her: "The Pimple Pincess."

(For best effect, say it out loud while using your best Tony Blair imitation.)

Nobody Cares About Your Blog

For our inaugural post, we wanted to make sure that anyone reading this realizes that this blog is purely a self-indulgent exercise wherein we shamelessly brag about our daughter, Marilee.

The main blogger here (Steve ), will not opine on current events, sports, reality tv stars or even that "Sham Wow!" guy, (although for some strange reason, we can't change the channel when he is on.)

Instead, this blog will be our online diary about the most mundane events of our little girl's life. 3 weeks old today, Marilee Beauregard is our 10 pounds, 5 ounce bundle of insommnia. We will chronicle her feedings, her acne, he development, her sleeping patterns, her lack of sleeping patterns, her bowel movements - all in great deal. And we do not care if you think it is boring. Personally, we find it fascinating. All of it. Especially the bowel movements. You wouldn't think you could be interested in poop, but you can. Especially when the aforementioned poop is the kind that shoots out horizontally to distances measuring over 2 feet. (I've measured).

So feel free to join us on this adventure. And if you don't want to, that's cool too.