At Last.

4 ½ hours. It’s only 270 minutes, but it can feel like a lifetime, (in a good way). And last night, it was the length of time that Marilee slept consecutively.

So guess what I did with my 4 ½ hours? Guess. I’ll give you some hints:

1) It was very dark in the house.
2) The time was 11 pm.
3) I was in my warm and comfy bed.
4) No. Get your mind out of the gutter you pervs, Marie was asleep.
5) NO! I SAID, Marie was asleep.
6) It was quiet throughout the house.
4) I had not slept in six weeks, and was dead tired.

Have you figured it out yet?

That’s right! I tossed and turned in bed!

And after about, oh, say 4 ½ hours of that, it was feeding time again! Hooray!

Fortunately, as you can see here, Marilee got plenty of beauty sleep:

Don't laugh at her. Who amongst us has not had some leftover food stuck on our chin?

In "Elements emitting from the human body" news, baby has been pretty gassy lately. Burps, spit-ups and other things I can't mention in a respectable blog. Or even in this one for that matter.

"Welcome back to CNN. Again, our top story: Military analysts from around the world are scrambling to figure out the source of an enormous mushroom cloud, which we have now pinpointed as originating on Gunnsion Avenue in Grand Junction, Colorado at around 3:17 am this morning...."

Meanwhile, we continue to violate child labor laws bring Marilee down to the shoe store, where she helps daddy with the website.

Dad: "Dammit Marilee! I said to delete the Stuart Weitzman size 6.5. NOT the 6!"

Marilee: "Sorry Daddy. I got distracted by all these 'fotolia' words dangling in the air. Plus I'm sitting in my own feces."

More random photos.

"Start saving now Marilee, because the economists say that this recession could linger and.."

"Dang, I'm jealous. That baby is even hotter than I am."

"Who the hell is this woman?"

Even at six weeks, Marilee knows that there is no such thing as a free lunch:

Okay. We give in.

<

Random thoughts....

I'm not complaining. It's just that this is the ever-present view of my life for the past 5 weeks:

"Hey! How bout a little privacy here? Do I take close-ups of you while YOU'RE eating?"

I've personally fed Marilee 7 times already today, (it's 8:24pm right now). I don't want to imply that she eats a lot, but here's her eating at noon:

The model here works for peanuts. (Rimshot.)

And here's a rundown of the feeding schedule:

1: 15 AM

7:20 AM

10:05 AM

11:55 AM

12:45 PM

2:00 PM

6:10 PM

In between, Marie feeds her too.

Marilee's afternoon food supply.

I just wonder where she gets her appetite from?

I could make a "crab eating a crab" joke here, but I'm not going to.

Now, here are some sleep-deprived random photos and thoughts:

Our dog Elvis meets baby. Hilarity ensues:

After 7 diaper changes today, what I wish Marilee could do:

What Marilee looks like in the morning:

"People always tell me, "You look like your dad.'"

Baby and two parents who are either tired, or drunk:

GO C.U. And if Marilee even THINKS about going to Nebraska, we'll disown her.

Totally appropriate shirt I need to buy for my baby:

And the Oscar for Best Performance by a Screaming Infant, goes to....

....Marilee, who also took home the Academy Award for "Best Performance by Someone Determined Not to Allow Their Parents To Sleep."

"I'd like to thank the academy, unfortunately however, vocal development amongst infants doesn't occur until after 12 months."

Now it's time for a feature we like to call:

SOMEWHAT HUMOROUS OSCAR STATUE OF THE DAY

"Welcome back to the 81st Annual Academy Awards, this year brought to you by Kentucky Fried Chicken"

Grandpa Beauregard reported in from Arizona, where they are spending my inheritance vacationing. Dad hit a royal flush on the video poker machine. The odds of hitting a royal flush are 1 in 40,390. If any of you reading this happen to work for the I.R.S., that means he won about two dollars.

Next to your new granddaughter, this is the most beautiful thing you'll ever see. (Unless you're playing the dollar machine, in which case all babies look alike.)

Grandpa Beauregard drinks in the sweet nectar of victory.

"You got that Marilee? Jacks or better pays 1 to 1, as does two pair. Three of a kind pays..."

Back on the home front, Daddy is still new at this whole, "Putting clothes on a baby girl" thing, as evidenced here below:

Before. Notice the problem? (Hint: the buttons don't go on the front.)


After. Needless to say, Mariele was very embarrassed after all the other babies made fun of her for having her shirt on backwards.

Random cute photo:

She looks chubby here, but keep in mind the camera adds at least 10 ounces.

ShamWow

Sorry for the lack of daily updates. I've been a little comatose tired.

Little known coffee fact #256: Starbucks lids make excellent pillows

Marilee continues her feedings every 2 hours, after which we burp her for an hour, then change her. At that point, she's ready for feeding again. On the bright side, I've watched NBC's "Poker After Dark" every single night this week. For those of you keeping score at home, "Poker After Dark" starts at 3 a.m.

"Welcome back Steve and Marilee. Glad you're watching us. What else would you be doing at this time of the morning?"

On the homefront, we've been blessed with visitors. Specifically, a reporter from the Grand Junction Free Press came by to write about the world's most beautiful baby:

One of Marie's unwritten rules: When posing for photos with the media, one should ALWAYS keep one's eyes closed

Aunt Ali, Uncle Pat, and cousins Georgia and Parker even made an appearance.

In our house, only the colors pink and brown are allowed.

Parker holds his cousin: "Not as cool as legos, but I guess she'll do."



A rare moment of silence. (It ended as soon as the flash went off.)

Great Aunt Trish is a natural with babies. Plus she makes great ham.

And since you are very curious, Marilee's diapers are getting fuller and fuller. We've found a solution:

"The Sham Wow can clean up an entire can of cola, AND absorb at least 2 pounds of feces."

Till next time.

Happy Valentine's Day

Well it's Marilee's very first Valentine's Day, and I'm trying to teach her what the day means to me:

Actually, I thought it would be appropriate to paste a picture of her parents in a romantic setting:

There's nothing quite like the feeling of holding the one you love. (I'm talking about the beer.)

But just because you have a constantly pooping, peeing, screaming infant doesn't mean you can't make the day romantic. I plan on romancing my lovely bride tonight by, (why not?) having 12 in-laws over for dinner. Specifically, we're having a crab feast. I'm not sure if the lack of sleep is making her crazy, but Marie is really getting into the party spirit:

"For some reason, whenever I tell men I have crabs, they start to freak out."

The crab theme is on account of my brother-in-law Palmer. It's his birthday, and he and his brother L.P. love them some crustacean. Marie and I went shopping for him today, and found the perfect gift:

What Palmer and L.P. will see if when they reach the pearly gates.

As far as Marilee goes, I'm using the computer down here at (Another shameless plug forthcoming) http://www.missmarieshoe.com/ so I don't have any stored pictures of her, except for this:

We're the "Benjamin Button" of blogs.

Meanwhile, on the movie star front, my brother and Ali had to cancel the big star-studded movie premier gala extravaganza last night because of illness. So Marie watched Marilee, while I took some much need "alone time."

Actually, I went to Border's bookstore for a few hours and read lots of porn books on parenting.

Then, I worked down at the store with Marie today, before rushing home, leaving all traces of testosterone at the door, and going inside to clean.

Does he have a certain sex appeal, or is it just me?

Any if any of you smart-asses make a comment about me wearing an apron, I will beat you over the head with a lovely turnip casserole I cooked this afternoon after watching Oprah and playing bridge with the girls.

So that's all for now. I have to get everything ready before the pack of raving psychopaths in-laws come over.

Groundhog Day

Yeah I know I'm a couple weeks late, but it's Groundhog Day here. Everyday is the same:

Feed baby

Burp baby

Change baby

Put baby down for an hour

Try to write

30 Minutes pass...

Feed baby

Burp baby

Change baby

Call crack dealer, see if he still has inventory...

Repeat

But as long as I'm posting photos of groundhogs:

"I predict: Six more weeks of kicking ass and taking names."

Back to the baby front: Marilee is still eating non-stop. On occasion, she'll give us a 2 hour reprieve - just enough time for us to wash bottles, eat, make appointments with psychiatrists, etc. And even though feeding is like this:

For Marie, it feels more like this:

Those of you wondering why this Momma would stop in the middle of the road to feed have obviously never had 12 piglets screaming at you. Trust me, it's not fun.

We've even had to come up with a back-up plan, in case Marie runs out of breastmilk:

True story, from ABC News:

"With ABC camera crews on hand, actress Salma Hayek breastfed a stranger's baby while on a visit to war-torn Sierra Leone."

Typical of the lazy mainstream media, they fail to report that the "baby" was actually a smooth-talking 22 year old taxi driver.

As for us, Marie currently has no plans on breastfeeding a stranger's baby. However, you should never say "never." If we happen to find ourselves in Sierra Leone while Marie is lactating, we'll probably keep our options open.

Enjoy more photos. Again, these are not to be resold to "People" Magazine. "Naked Astronomer Monthly?" Yes. "People?" No.

Marie's former Unifirst Mortgage co-workers talk to baby: "Your mommy used to steal pens from work."

Elvis guards momma and the baby. (Just in case some machine gun totting groundhogs break in.)

Grandpa Beauregard: "Steve, I look forward to her tormenting you. Sweet justice at last."

Teat Time

"What are YOU looking at punk?"

While breastfeeding is our preferred method for keeping the little hellion shut up for a few minutes, there are times when Marie is too drunk not around to feed her.

Thus, we've introduced a second food source to Marilee's diet: powdered infant formula. Now, Marilee has her very own bottle:


And because Marilee screams a lot. Daddy has his own bottle:


If Marilee keeps screaming, we may introduce a third food source:

Other than that, things are going great. Marie was an angel last night. After several minutes of the baby making loud strange noises, Marie decided that I should be the one to get some sleep. So she she grabbed Marilee, shut the bedroom door, went into the living room, and tried to sell the baby on Ebay rock the baby to sleep.




Then she came back into the bedroom to tell me that overusing the new "crossing out" feature I learned on the blog today will lessen it's effectiveness. So I told her: shut up that's an excellent point.


On a side note, I was an "extra" in a movie that was partially filmed here in Grand Junction all the way back in June of 2007. It was called, "The Lucky Ones" and it came out on DVD today. Marie and I are going to Pat and Ali's house on Friday for the big star-studded Red Carpet premier. Actually, I think they have tan carpet. But you get my point.



All big stars have their own trailer while on set. Here's a photo of my trailer on Glade Park. Ok, maybe, technically, it wasn't MY personal trailer, but it was the place they told us extras to go sit and keep our mouths shut until we were needed.



Here is me with my co-star, Rachel McAdams, (she of "Mean Girls" and "Wedding Crashers" fame.)





As you see, Rachel can't keep her hands off me. (I eventually had to file a restraining order against her.) As a result of this photo, Marie has severe jealously issues and can no longer enjoy watching "The Notebook."

More post delivery photos that are NOT for commercial use:

Grandpa Ruben: "I hope you're not nearly as much trouble as your momma was."

Great-Grandma Woods: "I think I approve of her."

The hosts of the upcoming big Red carpet movie premier gala extravaganza, holding onto a movie star's child - wondering if these pictures will fetch as much as the ones of Brangeline's kids.